Bullying:How are victims reacting?

So many parents have reached out to me throughout the years in search of an answer to stop their kids from being bullied. Either more people are reporting bullying or more kids are getting bullied. It is really hard for parents because when they step in at their child's school, there's a good chance their child will get bullied even more. I wish I had the solution.

FROM SCIENCE DAILY: Many wonder why bullies bully, but a new study looks at the other side of the equation: How do children respond to bullying and why? The answer, researchers say, may lead to more effective interventions to reduce the negative consequences -- and perhaps even the frequency -- of bullying.

Consciously or not, children tend to adopt one of three approaches, University of Illinois psychology professor Karen Rudolph said. "Some are focused on developing their relationships. They want to improve their social skills. They want to learn how to make friends," she said.

Others are most interested in "demonstrating their competence," she said. They may try to demonstrate their competence by enhancing their status or seeking approval from their peers. "These are kids who say: 'I want to be cool. I want lots of kids to like me. I want to hang out with the popular kids.' "

Or they may try to demonstrate their competence by avoiding negative judgments. "These are the kids who say, 'I'm not going to do anything that's going to draw negative attention, that's going to make me look like a loser, that's going to embarrass me,'" Rudolph said.

-NewsAnchorMom Jen

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Do Bullies get enough sleep?

This is certainly something to think about-do bullies act the way they do because they aren't getting enough sleep? That might be too easy of an answer, but I do know I am crabbier and more short tempered when I don't get my zzzs. Maybe there's something to this. Is your child more violent when he/she is tired? Do you think the bullies at your child's school are tired?

FROM NBC: Could the amount of sleep a child gets affect their likelihood to be a bully during the day? "The whole world is almost gonna like end because someone said something that hurt your feelings so much." This is the anti-bullying club at Westwood Junior High School in New Jersey-a safe place to share upsetting stories.

"What makes you hate me so much to say that about me?" What makes bullies bully? Well according to a recent study, it may very well be sleep deprivation. Researchers at the University of Michigan found that the elementary school bullies they surveyed were twice as likely to show signs of sleep disorders like snoring or daytime sleepiness. The results make a lot of sense to Dr. Vipin Garg at Trinitas Hospital Sleep Disorder Center. It is well documented that in adults, lack of sleep hampers decision making skills.

Dr. Vipin Garg/Director, Trinitas Sleep Disorder Center: "This study kind of shows the same thing. That they lack the judgment to control emotionally their behavior." "When children come to the sleep center to be observed for sleep disorders they are usually also suffering from ADHD or aggressive behavior, but when they finally wake up after having a full night's rest, their behavior, doctors say, improves immensely."

Kaitlin Chesley, student: "I think if you don't get sleep, then you start not to think about what you're doing so then you might just say something out of impulse. You'll probably regret it later, but it's still bullying." Dr. Garg says it's vital to reach rem sleep and delta wave sleep every night and children need more than adults. Children who snore or have sleep apnea are often also hyperactive.

"The clues to whether a child is sleep deprived, just go to the days where there is no school...the weekends, holidays. If a child is in bed till 12 o'clock often you know on weekdays he's deprived and he's trying to catch up on sleep." Still, experts suspect simply sending bullies to bed isn't enough. Jillian Carpino, Anti-bullying Club Counselor: "I think sleep is part of it, but there's so many more pieces to the puzzle that needs to be put together to put an end to bullying." But a promising piece of the puzzle that could spare a lot of painful childhood experiences.

-NewsAnchorMom Jen

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How to handle a bully

FROM CBS: (CBS) Jaylen Arnold knows how it feels to be different. He's had Tourette's Syndrome for most of his nine years. As CBS News correspondent Kelly Cobiella reports, it makes his body twitch even though his brain is telling it to be still. Most times Jaylen can handle it. Last February Jaylen's twitches got worse, much worse.

It started when the kids at a new school began to bully him. "What did they say," Cobiella asked Jaylen. "You're a weird kid," he said. "You should just go back to where you came from." "How did that make you feel?" "Really sad, like real sad."

"I made a Web site called Jaylen's Challenge.org. It's about stopping bullying and so far it's working," he said. Jaylen's father, Harold Arnold said, "The emails started coming in by the hundreds, and probably thousands and I said 'this thing is taking off.'" In fact, so many people were inspired by Jaylen's story, that schools across the country wanted him to talk to their students and teachers too. Jaylen's advice for bullies? "Sit down and stop bullying," he said. And before long, he caught the eye of Hollywood and actor Dash Mihok.

"I saw this kid with Tourette's and this beautiful, sweet, loving soul who was being absolutely incredibly brave and it really touched me," Mihok said. He was so touched that he flew out to meet Jaylen and lent his own star power to Jaylen's cause. Dash knows how hard life can be for Jaylen - because he's been through it. Dash grew up with Tourette's too. "To have someone inspire you to be who you are and be unapologetic about it," Mihok said. "It's beautiful."

In the seven months since Jaylen launched his Web site he's given out more than 4,000 wristbands that say "bullying no way," to students and even a few stars - including Leonardo DiCaprio. Jaylen said his big dream is to "stop bullying forever." "He has Tourette's to help other people," his mom Robin said His dad Arnold is, "super proud. He's the best kid." Jaylen can't change the way his body acts, but he's ok with that. He said he doesn't get picked on anymore, because "all my friends defended me."

I love this story because dealing with bullies is really tough. I find it hard to determine whether someone is bullying my kindergartner or he is just sensitive. And it seems like everyone has different advice. At this point, I tell him to tell the other kid he doesn't like it when he acts that way and he doesn't want to play with him anymore. Other parents I talked to say to tell my kid to hit him back. That sounds awful, but when your kid gets picked on, you may feel a little different about what should be done. How do you handle bullying?

-NewsAnchorMom Jen

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Mean Girls

There is an article on newsforparents.org about "mean girls" that is bringing back bad memories.

Girls who gossip and exclude others from their cliques are often labeled as popular by their classmates, and nearly all high school cliques are divided along racial lines, according to University of Alabama at Birmingham (UAB)
sociologist Casey Borch, Ph.D. Borch co-authored a study with Antonius Cillessen, Ph.D., at the Radboud Universiteit Nijmegen and the University of Connecticut, to determine how aggression, popularity and academic achievement influenced membership in cliques. The study will be published as a chapter in the forthcoming book "Modeling Dyadic and Interdependent Data in Developmental Research" later this year.

The study found physically fighting or being a bully gets you popular at a younger age, but spreading rumors and gossiping is a bigger deal when kids get older (It's called relational aggression). No surprise there. Sixth grade was the worst for me. I remember being in this clique and some of the girls were really mean to other people at school. They were very "exclusive" and it was hard to get them to let others in our group. I can't remember specific circumstances, but I do remember thinking, "Why are you so mean when they said certain things."

Here's the interesting part. The girls who do exclude people and gossip are the ones who others THINK are popular, but the truth is no one really likes them. It's all just perception.

"The 'mean girls' effect suggests that girls engage more in this type of behavior more than boys," says Borch, "and as a rule, they do, but the people who gain more from this behavior are minority boys. Minority boys who are relationally aggressive gained a lot more popularity over time than any other group, although, they were less likely to use the behavior.

"One surprising finding was that in the fourth grade about 50 percent of the cliques were of mixed race and ethnicity, but by the 12th grade, nearly 90 percent of cliques were of the one race or ethnicity," says Borch, "so only 10 percent were mixed. This was even more surprising given the increasing ethnic
diversity of the school system we studied over time. We did not expect to see
the racial composition of the cliques to go from 50 percent mixed to just 10
percent."

The researchers say cliches aren't necessarily bad. They can provide a good way to learn social cues. Kids figure out at an early age what kind of people they like to be around and which people are "trouble."

Are your kids in a clique? What ethnicity are the girls/boys in the group?

-NewsAnchorMom Jen

Bullying

Can a four-year-old be bullied? My son woke up several times this week screaming. This is actually not a big surprise because he has night terrors. However, this week he was screaming, "No, don't hit me!" Red Flag! So I asked about what he played with his friend that day and he said pirates. O.K., I can see how he might be screaming, so I ignored it.
He didn't scream the next night. Then, he saw the same little boy and woke up screaming, "Don't hit me!" At this point, he's not playing with that little boy anymore unless I am home. I don't know what's happening, but it's scaring him and that's not good.

Stop bullying now gives some reasons why I shouldn't just let this go:

• It happens a lot more than some people think - Studies show that between 15-25% of U.S. students are bullied with some frequency, while 15-20% report they bully others with some frequency (Melton et al, 1988; Nansel et al, 2001).


• It can mess up a kid's future. Young people who bully are more likely than those who don't bully to skip school and drop out of school. They are also more likely to smoke, drink alcohol and get into fights (Nansel et al, 2003; Olweus, 1993).


• It scares some people so much that they skip school. As many as 160,000 students may stay home on any given day because they're afraid of being bullied (Pollack, 1998).


• It can lead to huge problems later in life. Children who bully are more likely to get into fights, vandalize property, and drop out of school. And 60% of boys who were bullies in middle school had at least one criminal conviction by the age of 24 (Olweus, 1993).

Here's what the experts suggest we do as parents:

• First, focus on your child. Be supportive and gather information about the bullying. Tell your child you are concerned about him or her and ask questions.


• Contact your child's teacher and/or principal. He or she will probably be in the best position to understand the relationships between your child and other peers at school.
• Ask the teacher to talk to other adults who interact with your child at school to see if they have observed students bullying your child.


• If you know your child is being bullied, take quick action. There is nothing worse than doing nothing, and bullying can have serious effects.

Now my son says his friend never hit him and he doesn't know why he was waking up screaming that. Go figure! I am still being very cautious!

-NewsAnchorMom Jen